tanyrate,myloveforRachelremainedunrequited。Wegraduatedfromhighschool,shewentontocollege,andIjoinedtheArmy。WhenWorldWarIIengulfedus,Iwassentoverseas。Foratimewecorresonded,andherletterswerethehighlightofthosegrinding,endlessyears。Onceshesentmeasnashotofherselfinabathingsuit,whichdrovemetothewildestoffantasies。Imentionedtheossibilityofmarriageinmynextletter,andalmostimmediatelyherreliesbecamelessfrequent,lessersonal。
ThefirstthingIdidwhenIreturnedtotheStateswastocallonRachel。Hermotheransweredthedoor。Rachelnolongerlivedthere。Shehadmarriedamedicalstudentshe’dmetincollege。“Ithoughtshewroteyou。”hermothersaid。
Her“DearJohn”letterfinallycaughtuwithmewhileIwasawaitingdischarge。Shegentlyexlainedtheimossibilityofamarriagebetweenus。Lookingbackonit,Imusthaverecoveredratherquickly,althoughforthefirstfewmonthsIbelievedIdidn’twanttolive。LikeRachel,Ifoundsomeoneelse,whomIlearnedtolovewithadeeandermanentcommitmentthathaslastedtothisday。Then,recently,afteranintervalofmorethan40years,IheardfromRachelagain。Herhusbandhaddied。Shewasassingthroughtownandhadlearnedofmywhereaboutsthroughamutualfriend。Weagreedtomeet。Ifeltbothcuriousandexcited。Inthelastfewyears,Ihadn’tthoughtabouther,andhersuddencallonemorninghadtakenmeaback。Theactualsightofherwasashock。Thiswhite-hairedmatronattherestauranttablewastheRachelofmydreamsanddesires,thesulemermaidofthatsnashot?Yettimehadgivenusacommonreferenceandresect。Wetalkedasoldfriends,andquicklydiscoveredwewerebothgrandarents。“Doyourememberthis?”Shehandedmeasliofwornaer。ItwasaoemI’dwrittenherwhilestillinschool。Iexaminedthecrudemeterandallidrhymes。Watchingmyface,shesnatchedtheoemfrommeandreturnedittoherurse,asthoughfearfulIwasgoingtodestroyit。Itoldheraboutthesnashot,howI’dcarrieditallthroughthewar。
“Itwouldn’thaveworkedout,youknow。”shesaid。“Howcanyoubesure?”Icountered。“Ah,colleen,itmighthavebeengrandindeed—myIrishconscienceandyourJewishguilt!”Ourlaughterstartledeoleatanearbytable。Duringthetimelefttous,ourglanceswerefurtive,oblique。Ithinkthatwhatwesawineachotherreudiatedwhatwe’doncebeentoourselves,weimmortals。BeforeIutherintoataxi,sheturnedtome。“Ijustwantedtoseeyouoncemore。Totellyousomething。”Hereyesmetmine。“Iwantedtothankyouforhavinglovedmeasyoudid。”Wekissed,andsheleft。Fromastorewindowmyreflectionstaredbackatme,anagingman,withgrayhairstirredbyaneveningbreeze。Idecidedtowalkhome。Herkissstillburnedonmylis。Ifeltfaint,andsatonaarkbench。Allaroundmethegrassandtreeswereshininginthesurrealglowofsunset。Somethingwasbeingliftedoutofme。Somethinghadbeencomleted,andthescenebeforemewassobeautifulthatIwantedtoshoutanddanceandsingforjoy。Thatsoonassed,aseverythingmust,andresentlyIwasabletostandandstartforhome。