She was the anchor and the security; she was the restraining
hand of God; at times highly to be execrated。
Now when Tom Brangwen; at nineteen; a youth fresh like a
plant; rooted in his mother and his sister; found that he had
lain with a prostitute woman in a mon public house; he was
very much startled。 For him there was until that time only one
kind of woman……his mother and sister。
But now? He did not know what to feel。 There was a slight
wonder; a pang of anger; of disappointment; a first taste of ash
and of cold fear lest this was all that would happen; lest his
relations with woman were going to be no more than this
nothingness; there was a slight sense of shame before the
prostitute; fear that she would despise him for his
inefficiency; there was a cold distaste for her; and a fear of
her; there was a moment of paralyzed horror when he felt he
might have taken a disease from her; and upon all this startled
tumult of emotion; was laid the steadying hand of mon sense;
which said it did not matter very much; so long as he had no
disease。 He soon recovered balance; and really it did not matter
so very much。
But it had shocked him; and put a mistrust into his heart;
and emphasized his fear of what was within himself。 He was;
however; in a few days going about again in his own careless;
happy…go…lucky fashion; his blue eyes just as clear and honest
as ever; his face just as fresh; his appetite just as keen。
Or apparently so。 He had; in fact; lost some of his buoyant
confidence; and doubt hindered his outgoing。
For some time after this; he ore conscious when
he drank; more backward from panionship。 The disillusion of
his first carnal contact with woman; strengthened by his innate
desire to find in a woman the embodiment of all his
inarticulate; powerful religious impulses; put a bit in his
mouth。 He had something to lose which he was afraid of losing;
which he was not sure even of possessing。 This first affair did
not matter much: but the business of love was; at the bottom of
his soul; the most serious and terrifying of all to him。
He was tormented now with sex desire; his imagination
reverted always to lustful scenes。 But what really prevented his